www.findbirthparent.co.uk
There are not many places where you get the chance to hear positive things about birthfathers. They, by far, have the worst reputation in the world of adoptions. Many people have given these men titles such as sperm donor, alleged or assumed father, run away dad, and of coarse, dead beat dad.
I, as a woman and a birthmother, do not feel that I have any right to write a provocative or note worthy article about birthfathers. Much less, something that would encourage them to stand up for themselves, while at the same time urging professionals (and the community at large) to give them the respect and understanding that they ultimately deserve. How could I know the essence of these men, the horror that they have gone through, the pain that they may bear? I can’t, but I also couldn’t find anyone else who could, or had the courage to write about it. With that said, the following is what I have learned about the complex realities of birthfathers.
From what I have seen of the birthfathers that stay involved in their adoption plans, they are an incredibly courageous group of men! It seems they are initially somewhat shy to the situation, and keep at what they feel is a safe distance. But all the same, they are a group of extremely proud fathers. I am speaking mostly right now of birthfathers who are in open and semi-open adoptions. They regularly keep contact with their children, and happily pass on the updates of their own lives. I have seen smiling faces on both sides of these complex relationships.True, these birthfathers have also expressed their frustrations. The fact that the woman gets to make all the decisions is very discouraging and a huge loss of control.
The fact that they feel powerless in general, in this woman dominated adoption world, keeps them from advocating for themselves! And, for certain, at some point, they were filled with rage and incredulous pain that they must “give away” their child. No doubt that this is a spontaneous reoccurring emotion that they must deal with from time to time. All these frustrations are understandable and poof of their manhood, fatherhood, and pure humanity in general! What a testimony to their acceptance of their responsibilities! All these emotions show the deep attachment that these men hold to their children, and their role as Father. It is in dealing with these feelings and those of letting a child go, that men become ambivalent, and further misunderstood by the rest of us.And to those who have walked away you ask? Yes, I am proud of these men who have stayed around, but in no way do I blame those who have not. Those who have come back in sorrow years later, to reclaim their “fatherhood” - the responsibilities they long to fill as a birthfather. To put it most simply, and quite bluntly, if I could have ran . . . I would have.I suppose it’s a sort of double edged sword. For birthmothers, adoptive parents, adoption professionals, and all those outraged at the flying feet of birthfathers – what else can we do but call them the endless list of names we have made up? What else can we do but create the enormously bad rap list we automatically attach to the title “birthfather”? So let me say again, as a birthmother, I would’ve given anything to have had freedom from my belly . . . and ran! Ran far away from it all.
I do not blame any man who takes advantage of that freedom, and walks or runs away. I do not think of them any less of a father. (At this moment I’m sure I have a few colleagues who are grunting and disgusted at that statement, but it is true.) But there is a catch. I do not blame any man who walks away; I just blame those who do not find their way back.It is true that men have the luxury to physically walk away from something like an unplanned pregnancy; however, it is also true that they can not mentally walk away. The emotions, the memories, these things will always remain. So, although a man's feet have added some distance to the situation, in the gut of it all, there will remain sleepless nights. I know there are thousands of you out there that know exactly what I’m talking about. And it is these men who eventually find a way out of the ambivalence of it all.
They begin the search; they return to the dreaded agency where it all began; they reclaim their Fatherhood.To these men, and all the birthfathers who have found the courage to accept their role, I would like to say thank you. Thank you for staying around; thank you for coming back. You help to shape the realistic, complex role a birthfather plays. I hope to hear more from all of you in the future. I hope to hear more of you setting the rest of us straight! I hope you find the strength to chisel down the enormous wall of misunderstanding, which stands too high in the adoption community. I hope you find a way to build deeper bonds with your birth children. Most of all, I hope you are able to find a sense of peace on Father’s Day – knowing the true virtue you hold as a birthfather.
Happy Father’s Day to you all.
www.findbirthparent.co.uk
Tuesday 12 May 2009
Birth Parents - Life After Your Child is adopted
www.adoptionsearchuk.co.uk
Life after your birth child is adopted
Immediately after a placement the grief can be unbearable. You often go over and over your choice and may wonder if you did the right thing. You may cry every day for the next few weeks, and not a moment goes by when you don’t think about your baby. For birthmothers, you often physically ache for the loss of a “part” of yourself. All of this is perfectly normal, and it’s your bodies way of grieving. A few months may go by and you realize that a day actually went by when you didn’t think about your baby. Shock at the notion you could possibly forget your baby sets in, and you go through another cycle of crying everyday. These types of ups and downs are also normal during this period. It will be hard for you to get used to the fact that you had a child, you chose adoption, and you are no longer with your child. In essence, it will be hard for you to get used to your place as a birthparent.
Some time between the baby’s first and second year of life, birthparents begin to really move on; they find a new place in their life, either with work or school, or maybe even family. This is usually very healthy, but begins to bring about a new set of grief. What exactly are you? What does birthparent really mean? How will being a birthparent affect your life? These questions come about due to your relationship with your child and perhaps their family, due to your relationship with your own family, and due to relationships with the outside world, like school and work. How should people refer to you? How much do you share? Are you really a Mother or Father? For birthparents in an open relationship the issues may go deeper: what should your child call you? How often should you have contact? How can you continue contact when it feels like the grief starts all over again after each visit?!
The most difficult part about being a birthparent is finding what fits best for you and your situation. We all get the awkward questions, and for as much as the ignorance of this world may annoy us, we can all come up with pretty good answers, or come-backs. We re-educate people. Explain that we had a child and chose adoption. We explain that we are a birthparent. But it’s up to you to decide what that means. Birthparent for some people may end at the “birth” part of it, and for others it may just begin with birth, and be reaffirmed with life. Some of you may choose to call yourself a mother or father, and some of you may decide that isn’t right for you. You have to allow yourself room to grow within the title, or place, you allow yourself to be.
Throughout all of this, life will go on and situations will change. Your child will grow. You will grow. Perhaps you will graduate from school, land a new job, parent children, or move away. At each of these points, your role as a birthparent will have to shift and adjust to incorporate the new person you have become. Perhaps the right thing for you is to come up with a yearly tradition: a special day to remember your place as a birthparent. To revisit the love you have for your child. Perhaps you will keep a journal or a scrapbook. It is important to remember that your grief will not end after a certain amount of time. Facing the grief head on, and finding an appropriate way to channel that energy is difficult. But only you can know yourself. Know which holidays are particularly hard for you. Find someone to confide in on those days, and allow yourself to grieve.
For birthparents in an open adoption, I would like to offer this support. Part of your responsibilities as a birthparent, and being in an open relationship, is to be open with your child’s parents. In an open adoption, the relationship has to initially be with the parents. This is not always easy. During visits or phone calls you may be thinking to yourself that you would do something different, or that they are parenting differently than you had expected. These types of feelings are normal. You are watching your child grow-up outside of your care, and you will often revisit the fact that you are not parenting. At moments like these it is important to remember the reason you chose adoption, and allow yourself to perhaps overemphasize the opportunities your child has gained from this adoption.
It is very important to find a common ground (easily the love for your child) with the adoptive parents. This will allow your child to grow-up with a respect for you, and the relationship you share with their family. When your child is older they will see how much their parent’s value your relationship, and they will want to be a part of that relationship. After all, once the child is old enough, the openness will be up to them. It’s important the relationship have roots within the family, and with the parents.
It’s ok to let the parents know how you are feeling. Ask them what they were thinking or expecting your place/role to be. In return, you should let them know what you dreamed your role to be. The start of this conversation can be difficult, and it may be appropriate to get a mediator from an agency to facilitate. The most important thing in an open adoption is just for you to be there and be available. It may be difficult at times, but if you always remain available, it will work. In open adoption, being “open” with everyone is the best call. As difficult as it may be, try to be honest about your emotions if you are having a difficult time with openness. You shouldn’t expect too much from yourself, and when visits are difficult, its best that you talk through it with the parents. At best, it will provoke conversation, and hopefully it will be something that the whole family can grow through, together.
Whether you are in an open or closed adoption, as a birthparent you will learn quickly just what they mean when they say “adoption is forever.” Your place as a birthparent is forever and although moving on isn’t easy, and does not happen over night, the grief does not last forever. Moving on means new experiences and new paths of life. It also means revisiting our grief sometimes, but it’s through this grief we will continue to grow, and as we grow, we will find new joys.
www.adoptionsearchuk.co.uk
Life after your birth child is adopted
Immediately after a placement the grief can be unbearable. You often go over and over your choice and may wonder if you did the right thing. You may cry every day for the next few weeks, and not a moment goes by when you don’t think about your baby. For birthmothers, you often physically ache for the loss of a “part” of yourself. All of this is perfectly normal, and it’s your bodies way of grieving. A few months may go by and you realize that a day actually went by when you didn’t think about your baby. Shock at the notion you could possibly forget your baby sets in, and you go through another cycle of crying everyday. These types of ups and downs are also normal during this period. It will be hard for you to get used to the fact that you had a child, you chose adoption, and you are no longer with your child. In essence, it will be hard for you to get used to your place as a birthparent.
Some time between the baby’s first and second year of life, birthparents begin to really move on; they find a new place in their life, either with work or school, or maybe even family. This is usually very healthy, but begins to bring about a new set of grief. What exactly are you? What does birthparent really mean? How will being a birthparent affect your life? These questions come about due to your relationship with your child and perhaps their family, due to your relationship with your own family, and due to relationships with the outside world, like school and work. How should people refer to you? How much do you share? Are you really a Mother or Father? For birthparents in an open relationship the issues may go deeper: what should your child call you? How often should you have contact? How can you continue contact when it feels like the grief starts all over again after each visit?!
The most difficult part about being a birthparent is finding what fits best for you and your situation. We all get the awkward questions, and for as much as the ignorance of this world may annoy us, we can all come up with pretty good answers, or come-backs. We re-educate people. Explain that we had a child and chose adoption. We explain that we are a birthparent. But it’s up to you to decide what that means. Birthparent for some people may end at the “birth” part of it, and for others it may just begin with birth, and be reaffirmed with life. Some of you may choose to call yourself a mother or father, and some of you may decide that isn’t right for you. You have to allow yourself room to grow within the title, or place, you allow yourself to be.
Throughout all of this, life will go on and situations will change. Your child will grow. You will grow. Perhaps you will graduate from school, land a new job, parent children, or move away. At each of these points, your role as a birthparent will have to shift and adjust to incorporate the new person you have become. Perhaps the right thing for you is to come up with a yearly tradition: a special day to remember your place as a birthparent. To revisit the love you have for your child. Perhaps you will keep a journal or a scrapbook. It is important to remember that your grief will not end after a certain amount of time. Facing the grief head on, and finding an appropriate way to channel that energy is difficult. But only you can know yourself. Know which holidays are particularly hard for you. Find someone to confide in on those days, and allow yourself to grieve.
For birthparents in an open adoption, I would like to offer this support. Part of your responsibilities as a birthparent, and being in an open relationship, is to be open with your child’s parents. In an open adoption, the relationship has to initially be with the parents. This is not always easy. During visits or phone calls you may be thinking to yourself that you would do something different, or that they are parenting differently than you had expected. These types of feelings are normal. You are watching your child grow-up outside of your care, and you will often revisit the fact that you are not parenting. At moments like these it is important to remember the reason you chose adoption, and allow yourself to perhaps overemphasize the opportunities your child has gained from this adoption.
It is very important to find a common ground (easily the love for your child) with the adoptive parents. This will allow your child to grow-up with a respect for you, and the relationship you share with their family. When your child is older they will see how much their parent’s value your relationship, and they will want to be a part of that relationship. After all, once the child is old enough, the openness will be up to them. It’s important the relationship have roots within the family, and with the parents.
It’s ok to let the parents know how you are feeling. Ask them what they were thinking or expecting your place/role to be. In return, you should let them know what you dreamed your role to be. The start of this conversation can be difficult, and it may be appropriate to get a mediator from an agency to facilitate. The most important thing in an open adoption is just for you to be there and be available. It may be difficult at times, but if you always remain available, it will work. In open adoption, being “open” with everyone is the best call. As difficult as it may be, try to be honest about your emotions if you are having a difficult time with openness. You shouldn’t expect too much from yourself, and when visits are difficult, its best that you talk through it with the parents. At best, it will provoke conversation, and hopefully it will be something that the whole family can grow through, together.
Whether you are in an open or closed adoption, as a birthparent you will learn quickly just what they mean when they say “adoption is forever.” Your place as a birthparent is forever and although moving on isn’t easy, and does not happen over night, the grief does not last forever. Moving on means new experiences and new paths of life. It also means revisiting our grief sometimes, but it’s through this grief we will continue to grow, and as we grow, we will find new joys.
www.adoptionsearchuk.co.uk
Monday 11 May 2009
What is a Birth Parent ?
www.birthparent.co.uk
What is a birthparent? A birthparent is a mother or father who makes an adoption plan to have their child raised by another family. Birthparents legally terminate their parental rights to the child in order to place them for adoption. This plan can be chosen for a number of reasons (it can also happen involuntarily, when a child is removed from the home, however this website focuses mainly on birthmothers who freely chose to place their children), yet the decision is almost always made with the best interests of the child in mind.
Depending on the circumstances of the adoption, a birthparent may remain in contact with her child and the adoptive family through letters, visits, or sometimes not at all. Birthparents are very important people, even if they are not able to stay in touch with their child. Birthparents share their genes and heritage with their children. They are the bearers of life, and to some adoptive couples, the bearers of miracles!
Why create a forum? We recognize that there are not always community supports available to birthparents after their children have been placed for adoption. Being around others who have shared your unique experience can help you feel less alone. Members of this forum can offer valuable suggestions as to how they have handled the difficult days in their lives, as well as provide a sympathetic ear when unexpected situations arise. This site is designed as a safe, anonymous place for birthparents to share their thoughts, feelings and stories, so please feel free to read, respond, and share your story in this community by emailing feedback@birthparent.co.uk
www.birthparent.co.uk
www.findbirthparent.co.uk
When all is said and done, at the completion of an adoption there is usually a very sad and lonely birthmother struggling to reestablish her life. Whether you were a birthmom in a closed adoption (desperately trying to hide your pregnancy from everyone), or a birthmom in an open adoption (with adoptive parents celebrating each pregnancy milestone with you), you attached to the child growing inside of you. When a person has to let go of that kind of love, it's hard to get back on your feet again. Sometimes it's hard to find your place in the world; where do you fit?How have we faired after our life altering decision to become birthmother's? Some have coped better than others. Studies on the well being of birthmothers are few and far between.
Not many people have had the desire or the means to do an accurate study of women who have placed their children for adoption. However, when we look at society, we can make a few general observations about birthmothers and their place in adoption.
People do not know what a birthmother is unless they are involved in adoption. I think this one is turning around the fastest, but it's amazing how many people I talk to who have no idea what a birthmother is! They know that there are women who "give away" their babies, but they never knew there was a name for them! This is a form of oppression: nameless, faceless. We must have the courage to educate those who are uninformed to stop this oppression.
You do not hear about birthmothers in your community.
There is still a negative connotation to "giving up" your baby for adoption. People do not talk about "those women" unless they are directly related to them. If you do hear of a birthmother in your community it is because there is one very brave, courageous woman who refused to be ashamed of her place in her child's life, and has educated those in her community about the realities of adoption.
Birthmothers are often overlooked when people think about adoption. How many of you have had the following experience. Someone comments on an adopted child, and how wonderful adoption is. You say "oh, really . . . adoption is great, isn't it," they enthusiastically reply, "oh, were you adopted?" And if you had enough courage that day, replied, "No, I'm a birthmother," - how red did their face get! Although, in the past few years (as I have educated the people around me), I have seen it get better; but people still want to leave the birthmother out of the equation, like the baby just magically (and unemotionally) appeared.
Everybody knows a "girl like that." Even though they feel uncomfortable talking about it, once you get someone alone, they start talking about a girl they knew. They either knew someone in high school, or had an aunt that was sent away, or maybe they had a girlfriend who was parenting at the age of 16. Once people start talking about it, they feel that they in some way can relate to you. This is such a wonderful opportunity for birthmothers. If we can get people to relate to our situation, we can find a way to diminish all the stereotypes that still exist.
Birthmothers are making a difference in the world of adoption. Believe it or not, we can (and already do) make a difference. Since open adoptions have become more accepted and available to women, more birthmothers are finding the courage to speak out. Just being honest and open with friends and family about your adoption is making a difference. And many birthmoms find courage to write their stories. There are wonderful books out there written by birthmoms, for birthmoms. We want to support each other, and this is how we have done it. There are thousands of birthmoms who choose to express themselves through art. Paintings, drawings, sculpture, poetry, music, all of these have brought to life the story of a birthmother. The ways birthmothers have found to creatively express themselves are amazing! All of these things do make a difference in our society.
A birthmother doesn't need a study to tell her these things. We can look around and see them, feel them, in our everyday lives. Some days are harder than others; of course, Mother's Day is one of those days. Birthmother's Day was created to ease some of that pain. I'm not convinced that anything can really ease the pain, but it can be helpful in grieving positively. Perhaps, to you, Birthmother's Day serves as a day of remembrance. Maybe you take the time to go through your memorabilia. Maybe you play your favorite song that always made you think of your baby. Maybe you do all these things and allow yourself to cry - to love your baby and miss your baby. These are all very reasonable things to do, but you mustn't stop there. Let it be a day for you to celebrate your growth since you placed you child for adoption. Let it be a day you celebrate the opportunities you have allowed you child. Let it be a day you honor your responsibility as a birthparent, and the place you do, and continue to hold in your child's life.
There is no question that this may be a hard day for you, but hopefully it is days like this that continue to help us grow. Please be sure to surround yourself with support people - those who have seen you through your adoption days. If you are unable to find someone to connect with, please let our forum be a safe haven - we can lend our ears, and our hearts, and we can make it through, yet another hard day, together.
What is a birthparent? A birthparent is a mother or father who makes an adoption plan to have their child raised by another family. Birthparents legally terminate their parental rights to the child in order to place them for adoption. This plan can be chosen for a number of reasons (it can also happen involuntarily, when a child is removed from the home, however this website focuses mainly on birthmothers who freely chose to place their children), yet the decision is almost always made with the best interests of the child in mind.
Depending on the circumstances of the adoption, a birthparent may remain in contact with her child and the adoptive family through letters, visits, or sometimes not at all. Birthparents are very important people, even if they are not able to stay in touch with their child. Birthparents share their genes and heritage with their children. They are the bearers of life, and to some adoptive couples, the bearers of miracles!
Why create a forum? We recognize that there are not always community supports available to birthparents after their children have been placed for adoption. Being around others who have shared your unique experience can help you feel less alone. Members of this forum can offer valuable suggestions as to how they have handled the difficult days in their lives, as well as provide a sympathetic ear when unexpected situations arise. This site is designed as a safe, anonymous place for birthparents to share their thoughts, feelings and stories, so please feel free to read, respond, and share your story in this community by emailing feedback@birthparent.co.uk
www.birthparent.co.uk
www.findbirthparent.co.uk
When all is said and done, at the completion of an adoption there is usually a very sad and lonely birthmother struggling to reestablish her life. Whether you were a birthmom in a closed adoption (desperately trying to hide your pregnancy from everyone), or a birthmom in an open adoption (with adoptive parents celebrating each pregnancy milestone with you), you attached to the child growing inside of you. When a person has to let go of that kind of love, it's hard to get back on your feet again. Sometimes it's hard to find your place in the world; where do you fit?How have we faired after our life altering decision to become birthmother's? Some have coped better than others. Studies on the well being of birthmothers are few and far between.
Not many people have had the desire or the means to do an accurate study of women who have placed their children for adoption. However, when we look at society, we can make a few general observations about birthmothers and their place in adoption.
People do not know what a birthmother is unless they are involved in adoption. I think this one is turning around the fastest, but it's amazing how many people I talk to who have no idea what a birthmother is! They know that there are women who "give away" their babies, but they never knew there was a name for them! This is a form of oppression: nameless, faceless. We must have the courage to educate those who are uninformed to stop this oppression.
You do not hear about birthmothers in your community.
There is still a negative connotation to "giving up" your baby for adoption. People do not talk about "those women" unless they are directly related to them. If you do hear of a birthmother in your community it is because there is one very brave, courageous woman who refused to be ashamed of her place in her child's life, and has educated those in her community about the realities of adoption.
Birthmothers are often overlooked when people think about adoption. How many of you have had the following experience. Someone comments on an adopted child, and how wonderful adoption is. You say "oh, really . . . adoption is great, isn't it," they enthusiastically reply, "oh, were you adopted?" And if you had enough courage that day, replied, "No, I'm a birthmother," - how red did their face get! Although, in the past few years (as I have educated the people around me), I have seen it get better; but people still want to leave the birthmother out of the equation, like the baby just magically (and unemotionally) appeared.
Everybody knows a "girl like that." Even though they feel uncomfortable talking about it, once you get someone alone, they start talking about a girl they knew. They either knew someone in high school, or had an aunt that was sent away, or maybe they had a girlfriend who was parenting at the age of 16. Once people start talking about it, they feel that they in some way can relate to you. This is such a wonderful opportunity for birthmothers. If we can get people to relate to our situation, we can find a way to diminish all the stereotypes that still exist.
Birthmothers are making a difference in the world of adoption. Believe it or not, we can (and already do) make a difference. Since open adoptions have become more accepted and available to women, more birthmothers are finding the courage to speak out. Just being honest and open with friends and family about your adoption is making a difference. And many birthmoms find courage to write their stories. There are wonderful books out there written by birthmoms, for birthmoms. We want to support each other, and this is how we have done it. There are thousands of birthmoms who choose to express themselves through art. Paintings, drawings, sculpture, poetry, music, all of these have brought to life the story of a birthmother. The ways birthmothers have found to creatively express themselves are amazing! All of these things do make a difference in our society.
A birthmother doesn't need a study to tell her these things. We can look around and see them, feel them, in our everyday lives. Some days are harder than others; of course, Mother's Day is one of those days. Birthmother's Day was created to ease some of that pain. I'm not convinced that anything can really ease the pain, but it can be helpful in grieving positively. Perhaps, to you, Birthmother's Day serves as a day of remembrance. Maybe you take the time to go through your memorabilia. Maybe you play your favorite song that always made you think of your baby. Maybe you do all these things and allow yourself to cry - to love your baby and miss your baby. These are all very reasonable things to do, but you mustn't stop there. Let it be a day for you to celebrate your growth since you placed you child for adoption. Let it be a day you celebrate the opportunities you have allowed you child. Let it be a day you honor your responsibility as a birthparent, and the place you do, and continue to hold in your child's life.
There is no question that this may be a hard day for you, but hopefully it is days like this that continue to help us grow. Please be sure to surround yourself with support people - those who have seen you through your adoption days. If you are unable to find someone to connect with, please let our forum be a safe haven - we can lend our ears, and our hearts, and we can make it through, yet another hard day, together.
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