What is a Birth Parent ?

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What is a birthparent? A birthparent is a mother or father who makes an adoption plan to have their child raised by another family. Birthparents legally terminate their parental rights to the child in order to place them for adoption. This plan can be chosen for a number of reasons (it can also happen involuntarily, when a child is removed from the home, however this website focuses mainly on birthmothers who freely chose to place their children), yet the decision is almost always made with the best interests of the child in mind.

Depending on the circumstances of the adoption, a birthparent may remain in contact with her child and the adoptive family through letters, visits, or sometimes not at all. Birthparents are very important people, even if they are not able to stay in touch with their child. Birthparents share their genes and heritage with their children. They are the bearers of life, and to some adoptive couples, the bearers of miracles!

Why create a forum? We recognize that there are not always community supports available to birthparents after their children have been placed for adoption. Being around others who have shared your unique experience can help you feel less alone. Members of this forum can offer valuable suggestions as to how they have handled the difficult days in their lives, as well as provide a sympathetic ear when unexpected situations arise. This site is designed as a safe, anonymous place for birthparents to share their thoughts, feelings and stories, so please feel free to read, respond, and share your story in this community by emailing feedback@birthparent.co.uk

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When all is said and done, at the completion of an adoption there is usually a very sad and lonely birthmother struggling to reestablish her life. Whether you were a birthmom in a closed adoption (desperately trying to hide your pregnancy from everyone), or a birthmom in an open adoption (with adoptive parents celebrating each pregnancy milestone with you), you attached to the child growing inside of you. When a person has to let go of that kind of love, it's hard to get back on your feet again. Sometimes it's hard to find your place in the world; where do you fit?How have we faired after our life altering decision to become birthmother's? Some have coped better than others. Studies on the well being of birthmothers are few and far between.

Not many people have had the desire or the means to do an accurate study of women who have placed their children for adoption. However, when we look at society, we can make a few general observations about birthmothers and their place in adoption.

People do not know what a birthmother is unless they are involved in adoption. I think this one is turning around the fastest, but it's amazing how many people I talk to who have no idea what a birthmother is! They know that there are women who "give away" their babies, but they never knew there was a name for them! This is a form of oppression: nameless, faceless. We must have the courage to educate those who are uninformed to stop this oppression.
You do not hear about birthmothers in your community.

There is still a negative connotation to "giving up" your baby for adoption. People do not talk about "those women" unless they are directly related to them. If you do hear of a birthmother in your community it is because there is one very brave, courageous woman who refused to be ashamed of her place in her child's life, and has educated those in her community about the realities of adoption.

Birthmothers are often overlooked when people think about adoption. How many of you have had the following experience. Someone comments on an adopted child, and how wonderful adoption is. You say "oh, really . . . adoption is great, isn't it," they enthusiastically reply, "oh, were you adopted?" And if you had enough courage that day, replied, "No, I'm a birthmother," - how red did their face get! Although, in the past few years (as I have educated the people around me), I have seen it get better; but people still want to leave the birthmother out of the equation, like the baby just magically (and unemotionally) appeared.

Everybody knows a "girl like that." Even though they feel uncomfortable talking about it, once you get someone alone, they start talking about a girl they knew. They either knew someone in high school, or had an aunt that was sent away, or maybe they had a girlfriend who was parenting at the age of 16. Once people start talking about it, they feel that they in some way can relate to you. This is such a wonderful opportunity for birthmothers. If we can get people to relate to our situation, we can find a way to diminish all the stereotypes that still exist.

Birthmothers are making a difference in the world of adoption. Believe it or not, we can (and already do) make a difference. Since open adoptions have become more accepted and available to women, more birthmothers are finding the courage to speak out. Just being honest and open with friends and family about your adoption is making a difference. And many birthmoms find courage to write their stories. There are wonderful books out there written by birthmoms, for birthmoms. We want to support each other, and this is how we have done it. There are thousands of birthmoms who choose to express themselves through art. Paintings, drawings, sculpture, poetry, music, all of these have brought to life the story of a birthmother. The ways birthmothers have found to creatively express themselves are amazing! All of these things do make a difference in our society.

A birthmother doesn't need a study to tell her these things. We can look around and see them, feel them, in our everyday lives. Some days are harder than others; of course, Mother's Day is one of those days. Birthmother's Day was created to ease some of that pain. I'm not convinced that anything can really ease the pain, but it can be helpful in grieving positively. Perhaps, to you, Birthmother's Day serves as a day of remembrance. Maybe you take the time to go through your memorabilia. Maybe you play your favorite song that always made you think of your baby. Maybe you do all these things and allow yourself to cry - to love your baby and miss your baby. These are all very reasonable things to do, but you mustn't stop there. Let it be a day for you to celebrate your growth since you placed you child for adoption. Let it be a day you celebrate the opportunities you have allowed you child. Let it be a day you honor your responsibility as a birthparent, and the place you do, and continue to hold in your child's life.

There is no question that this may be a hard day for you, but hopefully it is days like this that continue to help us grow. Please be sure to surround yourself with support people - those who have seen you through your adoption days. If you are unable to find someone to connect with, please let our forum be a safe haven - we can lend our ears, and our hearts, and we can make it through, yet another hard day, together.