Birth Parents - Life After Your Child is adopted

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Life after your birth child is adopted

Immediately after a placement the grief can be unbearable. You often go over and over your choice and may wonder if you did the right thing. You may cry every day for the next few weeks, and not a moment goes by when you don’t think about your baby. For birthmothers, you often physically ache for the loss of a “part” of yourself. All of this is perfectly normal, and it’s your bodies way of grieving. A few months may go by and you realize that a day actually went by when you didn’t think about your baby. Shock at the notion you could possibly forget your baby sets in, and you go through another cycle of crying everyday. These types of ups and downs are also normal during this period. It will be hard for you to get used to the fact that you had a child, you chose adoption, and you are no longer with your child. In essence, it will be hard for you to get used to your place as a birthparent.

Some time between the baby’s first and second year of life, birthparents begin to really move on; they find a new place in their life, either with work or school, or maybe even family. This is usually very healthy, but begins to bring about a new set of grief. What exactly are you? What does birthparent really mean? How will being a birthparent affect your life? These questions come about due to your relationship with your child and perhaps their family, due to your relationship with your own family, and due to relationships with the outside world, like school and work. How should people refer to you? How much do you share? Are you really a Mother or Father? For birthparents in an open relationship the issues may go deeper: what should your child call you? How often should you have contact? How can you continue contact when it feels like the grief starts all over again after each visit?!

The most difficult part about being a birthparent is finding what fits best for you and your situation. We all get the awkward questions, and for as much as the ignorance of this world may annoy us, we can all come up with pretty good answers, or come-backs. We re-educate people. Explain that we had a child and chose adoption. We explain that we are a birthparent. But it’s up to you to decide what that means. Birthparent for some people may end at the “birth” part of it, and for others it may just begin with birth, and be reaffirmed with life. Some of you may choose to call yourself a mother or father, and some of you may decide that isn’t right for you. You have to allow yourself room to grow within the title, or place, you allow yourself to be.

Throughout all of this, life will go on and situations will change. Your child will grow. You will grow. Perhaps you will graduate from school, land a new job, parent children, or move away. At each of these points, your role as a birthparent will have to shift and adjust to incorporate the new person you have become. Perhaps the right thing for you is to come up with a yearly tradition: a special day to remember your place as a birthparent. To revisit the love you have for your child. Perhaps you will keep a journal or a scrapbook. It is important to remember that your grief will not end after a certain amount of time. Facing the grief head on, and finding an appropriate way to channel that energy is difficult. But only you can know yourself. Know which holidays are particularly hard for you. Find someone to confide in on those days, and allow yourself to grieve.

For birthparents in an open adoption, I would like to offer this support. Part of your responsibilities as a birthparent, and being in an open relationship, is to be open with your child’s parents. In an open adoption, the relationship has to initially be with the parents. This is not always easy. During visits or phone calls you may be thinking to yourself that you would do something different, or that they are parenting differently than you had expected. These types of feelings are normal. You are watching your child grow-up outside of your care, and you will often revisit the fact that you are not parenting. At moments like these it is important to remember the reason you chose adoption, and allow yourself to perhaps overemphasize the opportunities your child has gained from this adoption.

It is very important to find a common ground (easily the love for your child) with the adoptive parents. This will allow your child to grow-up with a respect for you, and the relationship you share with their family. When your child is older they will see how much their parent’s value your relationship, and they will want to be a part of that relationship. After all, once the child is old enough, the openness will be up to them. It’s important the relationship have roots within the family, and with the parents.

It’s ok to let the parents know how you are feeling. Ask them what they were thinking or expecting your place/role to be. In return, you should let them know what you dreamed your role to be. The start of this conversation can be difficult, and it may be appropriate to get a mediator from an agency to facilitate. The most important thing in an open adoption is just for you to be there and be available. It may be difficult at times, but if you always remain available, it will work. In open adoption, being “open” with everyone is the best call. As difficult as it may be, try to be honest about your emotions if you are having a difficult time with openness. You shouldn’t expect too much from yourself, and when visits are difficult, its best that you talk through it with the parents. At best, it will provoke conversation, and hopefully it will be something that the whole family can grow through, together.

Whether you are in an open or closed adoption, as a birthparent you will learn quickly just what they mean when they say “adoption is forever.” Your place as a birthparent is forever and although moving on isn’t easy, and does not happen over night, the grief does not last forever. Moving on means new experiences and new paths of life. It also means revisiting our grief sometimes, but it’s through this grief we will continue to grow, and as we grow, we will find new joys.

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