Birth Father - Bad Press

www.findbirthparent.co.uk

There are not many places where you get the chance to hear positive things about birthfathers. They, by far, have the worst reputation in the world of adoptions. Many people have given these men titles such as sperm donor, alleged or assumed father, run away dad, and of coarse, dead beat dad.

I, as a woman and a birthmother, do not feel that I have any right to write a provocative or note worthy article about birthfathers. Much less, something that would encourage them to stand up for themselves, while at the same time urging professionals (and the community at large) to give them the respect and understanding that they ultimately deserve. How could I know the essence of these men, the horror that they have gone through, the pain that they may bear? I can’t, but I also couldn’t find anyone else who could, or had the courage to write about it. With that said, the following is what I have learned about the complex realities of birthfathers.

From what I have seen of the birthfathers that stay involved in their adoption plans, they are an incredibly courageous group of men! It seems they are initially somewhat shy to the situation, and keep at what they feel is a safe distance. But all the same, they are a group of extremely proud fathers. I am speaking mostly right now of birthfathers who are in open and semi-open adoptions. They regularly keep contact with their children, and happily pass on the updates of their own lives. I have seen smiling faces on both sides of these complex relationships.True, these birthfathers have also expressed their frustrations. The fact that the woman gets to make all the decisions is very discouraging and a huge loss of control.

The fact that they feel powerless in general, in this woman dominated adoption world, keeps them from advocating for themselves! And, for certain, at some point, they were filled with rage and incredulous pain that they must “give away” their child. No doubt that this is a spontaneous reoccurring emotion that they must deal with from time to time. All these frustrations are understandable and poof of their manhood, fatherhood, and pure humanity in general! What a testimony to their acceptance of their responsibilities! All these emotions show the deep attachment that these men hold to their children, and their role as Father. It is in dealing with these feelings and those of letting a child go, that men become ambivalent, and further misunderstood by the rest of us.And to those who have walked away you ask? Yes, I am proud of these men who have stayed around, but in no way do I blame those who have not. Those who have come back in sorrow years later, to reclaim their “fatherhood” - the responsibilities they long to fill as a birthfather. To put it most simply, and quite bluntly, if I could have ran . . . I would have.I suppose it’s a sort of double edged sword. For birthmothers, adoptive parents, adoption professionals, and all those outraged at the flying feet of birthfathers – what else can we do but call them the endless list of names we have made up? What else can we do but create the enormously bad rap list we automatically attach to the title “birthfather”? So let me say again, as a birthmother, I would’ve given anything to have had freedom from my belly . . . and ran! Ran far away from it all.

I do not blame any man who takes advantage of that freedom, and walks or runs away. I do not think of them any less of a father. (At this moment I’m sure I have a few colleagues who are grunting and disgusted at that statement, but it is true.) But there is a catch. I do not blame any man who walks away; I just blame those who do not find their way back.It is true that men have the luxury to physically walk away from something like an unplanned pregnancy; however, it is also true that they can not mentally walk away. The emotions, the memories, these things will always remain. So, although a man's feet have added some distance to the situation, in the gut of it all, there will remain sleepless nights. I know there are thousands of you out there that know exactly what I’m talking about. And it is these men who eventually find a way out of the ambivalence of it all.

They begin the search; they return to the dreaded agency where it all began; they reclaim their Fatherhood.To these men, and all the birthfathers who have found the courage to accept their role, I would like to say thank you. Thank you for staying around; thank you for coming back. You help to shape the realistic, complex role a birthfather plays. I hope to hear more from all of you in the future. I hope to hear more of you setting the rest of us straight! I hope you find the strength to chisel down the enormous wall of misunderstanding, which stands too high in the adoption community. I hope you find a way to build deeper bonds with your birth children. Most of all, I hope you are able to find a sense of peace on Father’s Day – knowing the true virtue you hold as a birthfather.

Happy Father’s Day to you all.

www.findbirthparent.co.uk